This Is Love, and I Must Put My Heart to Sleep
by SisterRaven
Summary: Songfic - Hiei and Kurama try to figure out what they really feel. Mild Shonen-ai, no Yaoi, no citrus NOW COMPLETE
1. Only Happy When It Rains

Lyrics: "Only Happy When it Rains," by Garbage

Characters:  Hiei and Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho

Warnings: Very mild Shonen-ai.  That's it.  No yaoi.  No citrus.

Disclaimer: Characters and lyrics © their respective owners.  Don't own 'em, don't own much else either so it does no good to sue.

~Hiei's POV~

_I'm only happy when it rains_

He had always hated the rain, before.  Bad enough when you had to sleep outside that you should end up cold and wet, but the rain also washed away scents and muffled sounds, so it was easier for him to be snuck up on.  He never used to sleep on rainy nights.  But now, those seemed to be the only nights he did sleep soundly.

_  
I'm only happy when it's complicated_

Before he met that damned youko, his life had been simple: kill, eat, sleep, fight, kill some more.  Now things were complex.  But, in his old life, while he had sometimes slept, he never rested.

_  
And though I know you can't appreciate it  
I'm only happy when it rains_

Rainy nights were the only nights he could just rest.  So, as much as he hated the rain for forcing him to rely on anyone else, it was still one of the only times he could relax.  It was the closest he'd been to being happy (not that he'd ever admit that, even to himself)._  
  
You know I love it when the news is bad_

He remembered the first time he went to the kitsune's house.  It had been raining, and he'd been injured enough to want to take him up on his offer of shelter.  He convinced himself that his only reasons for being there were his injuries and the weather.  And those were the same reasons he kept going back: either he'd been injured enough that he would have to spend the night fighting off predators, or the weather was unpleasant enough that he would tolerate company for the night.  He suddenly realized that he only went to his friend with bad news.

_  
And why it feels so good to feel so sad  
I'm only happy when it rains_

Friend?  Were they friends?  He thought about it.  Strange as the thought was, he guessed that he was friends with the fox.  Hn.  Friends.  While the thought of having friends may be pleasant to most, to him it was almost painful.  It saddened him to think that he couldn't openly return that friendship, couldn't allow anyone to become a potential hostage against him._  
  
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me  
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me_

He accepted unhappiness as his lot in life.  After all, that's how it had always been._   
  
I'm only happy when it rains  
I feel good when things are going wrong_

He'd started to get sloppier in his fighting.  He noticed that he was becoming injured more often.  Not mortal injuries, but badly enough that he would allow the youko to bandage him up.  *Maybe,* a small part of his brain wondered, *you're doing it on purpose, giving yourself an excuse?*

_  
I only listen to the sad, sad songs  
I'm only happy when it rains_

His world was not sweetness and light.  He knew that his world was dominated by sadness and pain.  But lately, on rainy nights, the pain diminished…practically disappeared._  
  
I only smile in the dark_

He didn't wear his emotions on his sleeve like the fox did.  The only times he smiled or cried was when he knew he couldn't be seen.

_  
My only comfort is the night gone black_

In the darkness, with the rain pounding outside the window, he felt…secure.  He listened to the fox's breathing in the bed, and, certain he was asleep, he said "Thanks, fox."

_  
I didn't accidentally tell you that  
I'm only happy when it rains_

He couldn't say anything more.  Wouldn't admit to anything beyond mild gratitude.  He refused to make the kitsune any more of a target than he already was.  So he kept tight control of himself and never let anything slip.  He just silently rested in the kitsune's presence, a deliberate display of trust that he doubted was even noticed._  
  
You'll get the message by the time I'm through  
When I complain about me and you  
I'm only happy when it rains_

"You worry too much, kitsune."  "Leave it be, I'm fine."  "Go to sleep, fox."  He never said what was really on his mind.  He always said things that would keep his friend at arm's length.  His words said that he was annoyed at the attention paid to him, though lately his tone had belied his harsh words.  As time passed, and he became more uncomfortable with the growing feelings he was having, his complaints got more frequent, but lost their rancor._  
  
Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)  
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)  
Pour your misery down_

He deserved unhappiness.  Cursed from birth, he became dark and cold to survive.  He did not do the things he did because he enjoyed them, but simply because that was how he had learned to live…no, not live.  He survived, but for most of his life he had not really lived.  Not until he found those who were willing to trust him.  In his life he had gained fear and respect for his ruthlessness…but it wasn't until the kitsune and (to a lesser extent) those fool ningens that he had found trust.

But with that trust came a new kind of pain.  He had never before needed to concern himself with anyone besides his sister…and he only needed watch her from afar.  He never concerned himself with others thoughts of him.  But now, now he struggled against the feelings growing in him.  Now thoughts of his kitsune brought a pleasant ache that he couldn't put a name to._  
  
You can keep me company  
As long as you don't care_

It disturbed him on a very deep level to think that someone might care for him.  The others should think of him as a fighting partner, nothing more.  That way, he couldn't let them down.  Yeah, and if he kept telling himself that, he might actually get to believing it._  
  
I'm only happy when it rains  
You wanna hear about my new obsession?_

He found his thoughts turning to his fox with alarming frequency.  At first, it was just the occasional stray reflection.  But as time passed, his mind brought forth images of emerald eyes and red hair at increasingly inopportune moments.  Even when he fought, there was a lingering thought of his kitsune in the back of his mind.  He was lucky the distraction hadn't killed him yet.

_  
I'm riding high upon a deep depression  
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)  
  
_

He had tried to harden his heart.  To wrap himself in the cold dark demeanor that had always protected him.  But his armor was cracked, and his fox and worked his way into his soul.  One part of him mourned the loss of his independence, for he realized he could no longer turn his back on his fox.  He couldn't leave, couldn't disappear as he had done in the past.  Even as he took comfort in the familiarity of his unhappiness, he resigned himself to enjoying rainy nights with his fox.

AN: Well, there's the first chapter.  I would love reviews on this, but I'm not going to insist on them to continue.  The rest of the story's begging to be told, so it will get posted anyway.  Thanks for your time! – Sister Raven Dreamer


	2. Reaching From Nowhere

Lyrics: "Reaching From Nowhere," by Milla Jovovitch

Characters: Hiei and Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho

Warnings: Very mild Shonen-ai.  That's it.  No yaoi.  No citrus.

Disclaimer: Characters and lyrics © their respective owners.  Don't own 'em, don't own much else either so it does no good to sue.

~Kurama's POV~

_How can I be telling you my thoughts my love  
When even I don't know what I'm thinking_

"What was I thinking?  Inviting him into my home?  Into my life?"  My thoughts and feelings were all jumbled up…and I was having some difficulty straightening them out.  Why did I invite him?  Was it just some momentary whim, or was it something more?  What did I feel for him?  Compassion, certainly.  That, at least, I was sure of.  That was at least one reason I had left my window open each night.  But I'd be lying to myself if I said that was all it was.  I was comfortable around him.  Surprisingly so, considering how abrasive he was, how silent, how he never let anyone too far into his life.  How could I be so comfortable around someone who kept himself so private?  Of course, that was part of it…because he didn't try to be anything other than himself, I was able to be myself.  The self I had to hide from my mother and all the other humans.  So, I felt…what?  Friendship?  Well, yes, in a strange way, that was certainly the case.  He wasn't the kind of friend I would invite to the movies or to hang out with, but I knew I could count on him in a crisis, that we would have each other's backs.  Still, some part of me asks "is that all it is?"  All these thoughts whirling around, and I still can't get everything straight.

_  
How can I explain the way your eyes  
Burn into my mind, my love_

I don't know that it's just friendship.  After all, I'm friends with Yusuke (of a sort, anyway), but it isn't his eyes that haunt my thoughts.  Sometimes, when he looks at me, his red eyes seem to bore into my soul.  And my thoughts turn to him when I've had nearly all I can bear of dealing with this human façade.  Even my mother's company, as much as I love her, grinds me down.  I love Shiori, she is more of a mother to me than I can ever recall from my old life.  I care for her deeply, but she loves Shuichi.  She loves the fiction I created for her; she only loves half of me.  Could she accept the rest of me?  Could she love the youko?  These are questions I don't ever want to have to find the answers to.  But…he accepts it.  He accepts a part of me that even I sometimes wish to suppress.  And, silent as he is, his eyes speak volumes._  
  
_

_For when you talk to me  
I'm blind 'cause you set me free_

When we talk, he never says much.  But just because the words don't pass his lips doesn't mean he doesn't communicate.  He comes to me when he's injured, or when the weather has gotten too harsh.  And when he's here, and we talk, I could close my eyes to everything else and still be content.  I know he trusts me; he doesn't have to say the words, his actions speak for him.  He comes here, knowing that I will help him heal, and he sleeps here, knowing that I would not attack him, that I would not betray him.  He lets me see him vulnerable, and that is the truest sign of friendship I have ever seen.  And I know he is cold-hearted, that he has spent his life as a ruthless mercenary, a thief, an assassin.  But, when we talk, it's like I'm blind to those facts.  Maybe I've just learned to see past them to the truth.

_  
And you hold me and your fingers  
Touching me_

I bandaged his wounds again the other night.  And, when he got tired of my fussing, he grabbed my wrist, telling me "That's enough, fox."  I can't lie to myself, when his fingers held my wrist, it sent a shock through me.  What is wrong with me?  What am I thinking?  I can't possibly be thinking…feeling…no.  There may be desire there, but that's it.  It couldn't be anything more.  But…I'm familiar with desire.  I've felt it enough in my life as a youko.  And, well, it was never like this.  But it can't be anything else…maybe I've just been without…entertainment…for too long.  Besides, he'd kill me if it was anything else.  Desire…he may not like it, or even appreciate it, but it's something we can both understand.  Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm about to tell him anything, but it's handy to have an excuse.  I survived as long as I did by always having a back-up plan._  
  
_

_What if we decide to break these walls?  
This from me, the builder_

I suppose it isn't healthy to lie to myself like this.  I know it's more than mere desire (although there's plenty of that included).  I keep building up lie upon lie in my life, like bricks in a wall.  And here I was thinking I could be myself with him.  What if I did?  What if I admitted that I care for him more deeply than mere friendship?  I can barely bring myself to say it, even here in my head.  But, what if I tore down the walls I've built?  Of course, to really do that means I'd not only have to admit my feelings for him, I'd have to Shiori everything too.  I'm not ready for that.  Still…these walls were built one lie at a time.  So, one truth at a time.  I don't need to take a wrecking ball to my life.  I just need a little deconstruction.  The truth is…I love him.  There.  I've said it.  At least here, in my head, I can say that.  I can admit it to myself.  So, now what?

_  
Can we give this love a fair chance?  
And only cease when it fades_

Do I take the next step?  Do I tell him?  Wait, what am I saying?  His reaction will be either distain or violence…or both.  This feeling should be squashed before it grows any further.  Of course, I'm kidding myself to think I have any control over this anymore.  It's already gone too far for that.  How did this happen?  Does it really matter how?  After all, I can no longer deny that it has happened.  I've fallen in love with my best friend.  The more important question now is can it work?  Does he even care?  And, probably one of the most important questions: is this really love or mere infatuation?  Will it fade in time, or will I have to deal with possibly unrequited feelings for the rest of my life?_  
  
_

_And when I see your face  
Locked in my memory_

He spends so much of his time far away from me, out in the Makai.  Even if he did care, could we make it work?  Thinking about him, I can see his face in my mind.  Memory fills in his calm stare, the one that hides so much just under the surface.  Closing my eyes, I can recreate every detail of his face, every wrinkle in his clothing.  I hold these thoughts and memories close, for I recognize them as more precious than any treasure I stole in my years as the greatest thief in the Makai.  I lock them in my heart, where I keep the memories of growing to love Shiori as the mother she has always been to me.  All too often, these memories are all I have of him.  Those, and my dreams.

_  
And you hold me  
And I'm giving up to you_

Since admitting my feelings to myself I find I'm dreaming of him more often.  My fondest dream is just to hold him and be held by him.  I know, it seems strange to hear from a youko…that all I would want would be to be close to him.  Not to possess him, not to merely use him and dispose of him.  No. .  I wish to hold him in my arms as if he was something both delicate and precious…for to me that is what he is.  I dream of being held close, for that would mean that I was something more to him than just a temporary fling.  I think I would give up everything else for that.  I would never want to choose between life with Shiori and life in Hiei's embrace, because I'm no longer certain I would choose Shiori.  She gave so much to me, but I can't deny what I feel for Hiei either._  
  
_

_Reaching from nowhere_

The brutal truth is that I don't fully belong with Shiori.  I don't belong here in the Ningenkai.  But I don't belong in the Makai anymore either.  I may once have been the greatest thief in the Makai, the deadly beautiful Youko Kurama, but that life ended when the hunter killed me.  And Shuichi may be the model human son, but he's only a part of what I am.  I feel as if I am stuck in no-man's-land, standing literally nowhere, reaching out, searching for a place to belong.

_  
Feeling for your hands_

I reach through the darkness of my nightmares, trying to find a hand to hold, someone to lead me to where I should be.  And sometimes, in my dreams, it's Shiori who leads me there.  But, more and more often, it's him.  Every time I see him now I search for a sign that there might be something more.  As comfortable as I feel around him, as much as his company feels like home, I search for some inkling that he sees me as anything but a friend.  That, when he grabs my wrists to stop me from fussing over him he feels anything like the electric jolt that goes through me.

_  
Screaming out your name_

The uncertainty of it makes me want to scream.  Scream out his name, as I have done on several nights after nightmares of his finding his twisted corpse lying in some forgotten corner of the Makai.  My screams echo only in my mind, for not a sound escapes my lips.  The strain is wearing on me.  Here I sit, frozen with indecision, unable to conquer my own pathetic feelings and unable to admit them to anyone else either.  I feel myself tearing in two, and I know a decision has to be made.  I need to either tell him and accept the consequences of my choice or I need to learn to ignore what I feel.  Neither seems very appealing right now.

_  
Nearing towards you_

But in the end, it isn't really a choice.  I already know I can't deny my feelings.  So, I work my way deeper into his life.  I get closer to him little by little.  I'll tell him…someday.  Maybe.  Until then, I'll just keep him close, and do what I can to keep him safe.  Do what I can to keep near to him without arousing his suspicions.  And just be there for him when he needs me.

************************

AN: Sorry it took so long to get this next chapter up.  Work is very busy right now.  So, hopefully it won't take another 2 weeks to finish the next one.

Thank you to my reviewers!

Keaira – Yay, one of my favorite authors and she likes my ficcie!

mocha cocoa – Yeah, I wanted to give Hiei a hug after that chapter too.

RurouniFan – Here's your next chapter!


	3. I Think I Love You

Lyrics: "I Think I Love You" by David Cassidy

Characters: YuYu Hakusho

Warnings: Very mild Shonen-ai.  That's it.  No yaoi.  No citrus.

Disclaimer: Characters and lyrics © their respective owners.  Don't own 'em, don't own much else either so it does no good to sue.

AN: A quick apology to all of the angst kittens who've been reading this…it's about to get kind of waffy.  And I think Hiei and Kurama will probably be OOC by the end, but give them a break, I've put them through a lot, they have a right to act a bit off.

Also, before I forget again: Much gratitude and virtual cookies to my beta readers, Hannah-chan and amitiel74.  And thanks to my muse Euterpe, who makes this possible.

Finally, this: *~*~*~*~*~*~* means a point of view change.

~Kurama & Hiei~

_I'm sleeping  
And right in the middle of a good dream_

They were curled up together under the sakura tree in the park, off the path and away from people who may have disturbed them.  This, to Kurama, was the sweetest feeling, having the one he wanted in his arms.  He buried his face in his companion's spiky hair, breathing in his scent.  The smaller demon smelled a bit like smoke, and a bit like warm spices.  The redhead could have stayed like that forever, contented in that moment.  Surprisingly, it was the taciturn jaganshi who broke the silence.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I enjoy holding you.  I thought you enjoyed being held by me.  Are you trying to say you don't?"

"How can I enjoy this when you won't share anything with me?  You're hiding something from me.  And from yourself."  He got up and started to walk away.

"Wait!  Please, what do you think I'm hiding?"

"You're hiding yourself, fox.  How can you expect me to stay here if all you ever offer is your body?"

And with that, he left, as Kurama lay there helpless to follow.

_  
Then all at once I wake up  
From something that keeps knocking at my brain_

The redhead's eyes flew open.  *A dream.  Just a dream.  Huh, a nightmare more like it.*  He found himself constantly dreaming about a certain fire youkai, and while the dreams may have started out differently each time, they always ended the same…with him accusing Kurama of hiding inside himself and then leaving.  He knew why he kept dreaming that way.  It was because he was afraid…not something he'd normally even consider admitting to, but right now he realized the importance of being honest with himself.  These dreams kept ripping through his psyche, and it was starting to wear him down.  And he knew that, no matter how close he get to Hiei physically, he couldn't be any closer to him emotionally than he was right now, unless he could learn to admit to him what he felt, and what he wanted.

_  
Before I go insane  
I hold my pillow to my head_

Kurama knew he must be losing his grip to even consider admitting his feelings to Hiei.  The youkai had said often enough that he acted too human as it was.  He was contemptuous of what Kurama felt for Shiori, the fox couldn't begin to imagine his friend's reaction to having similar feelings directed towards himself.  Actually, that's not true, he could imagine it, and he was sure the reaction would be either cold or violent.  Or possibly both.  He shoved his head back against his pillow, as if he could just will himself back to sleep and forget about this.  *Uh-huh, like that will work…sure, and maybe next Hiei and Kuwabara will get along for more than 5 minutes.*  Even if he could just roll over and go back to sleep, it wouldn't solve anything, he'd just start dreaming again.  And his dreams were getting close to driving him mad.  Even in dreams, the words stuck in his throat; he couldn't say aloud what was in his heart.

_  
And spring up in my bed  
Screaming out the words I dread..._

Kurama felt too restless.  He sat up in bed and brought his pillow around to his lap, giving his hands something to hold so he didn't fidget and get his body even more awake than it already was.  How could he say those words?  How could he go on if he didn't?  As much as he loved intellectual problem-solving, there must come a time when his body demanded action.  If he wished to make excuses for what happened next, he could say that he was suffering the effects of too little sleep for too long.  But it didn't really matter what drove him to it.  He could feel the words becoming unstuck from his throat and pushing against his lips.  He buried my face in the pillow he was gripping and yelled out the words he never thought to say aloud…

_  
I think I love you!  
  
_

"Ai shiteru, Hiei!"  Those words, once said, seemed to break a dam within him.  The kitsune felt tears begin to run down his face, wetting his pillow.  He choked on the sobs that began to wrack his body, trying not to make any more noise than he already had.  He didn't want to have to explain to Shiori why he was crying.  *Sure, I could just tell her "Oh, I'm in love with my best friend, who happens to be male, oh and did I mention he's a demon?  And he doesn't love me back."  Oh, that would go over just wonderfully, right up to the point that she has me institutionalized.*  A strangled noise escaped his lips, half sob, half choked laugh, at the thought of her reaction.  His thoughts soon drifted back to the object of his affection and dismay, however, and his tears returned with renewed force.  After all, even if Hiei didn't hold love to be some ningen weakness, he'd never believe that Youko Kurama could have feelings of that sort.  He'd probably think the fox was just saying such things to seduce him.  And Kurama couldn't deny that there was ample evidence to support that point of view.  After all, he'd done that sort of thing countless times in his life in the Makai.  But he was no longer the ruthless youko, and the words he whispered repeatedly against his pillow were heartfelt for perhaps the first time in his life.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
This morning, I woke up with this feeling  
I didn't know how to deal with_

Hiei woke with a start.  He blinked several times, clearing his mind of the foggy remnants of his dreams.  More and more he found he was dreaming of his fox.  Memories of the time they spent together, and, more often than not, nightmares of him being injured or killed on one of their cases.  The very thought of Kurama being injured was enough to make Hiei feel nauseous.  What was happening to him?  Every time he thought of his fox he felt a strange ache in his heart.  Wait…"his fox"?  When did he start to consider Kurama to be his?  He couldn't understand what was going on…and that was not healthy.  Hiei had lived his life in the Makai, where ignorance is death.  If you don't understand something, and you let it distract you, you could easily become prey for stronger youkai.  Not knowing what was happening to him, he couldn't figure out what to do about it.

_  
And so I just decided to myself  
I'd hide it to myself_

So he felt that it would be best to just keep his thoughts to himself.  If he seemed distracted around the others they'd start asking questions he didn't have answers to.  And that damned youko was just a bit too persistent, too good at ferreting out information that should have been none of his business.  Whatever it was that was going on within his mind, that is where it would stay.  He'd just be certain to keep treating his fox as he had all along, as a useful fighting companion and friend.  He wouldn't give in to these strange feelings that were developing.  He would bury it deep within himself, turn his back on those thoughts, as he had always done with his emotions.  Emotions were dangerous, they made one distracted and sloppy in fights.  He had enough proof of that from the number of times he'd visited the redhead for patching up after battle.

_  
And never talk about it_

As much as his fox stirred something deep within him, he knew it was best that he never mention anything to anyone else about it.  He couldn't even name what was happening within himself.  The more time he spent thinking about it, however, the more he realized that this was going to be a hard battle.  It is nearly impossible to hold out against oneself, and as much as he had resolved to not say anything to anyone about it, his body seemed to want to betray him, as he felt the struggle to hold his words back.

_  
And did not go and shout it  
When you walked into the room..._

As he watched from the tree outside the redhead's room, he saw his fox enter, moving with the unconscious grace he had always possessed, whatever his form.  And in that moment, Hiei felt an almost uncontrollable urge to talk to him, try to explain what was growing within his soul.  *No! I will not do this!*  With something akin to fear, Hiei ran from his perch, running into the forested area of the park where he spent many of his nights.  *What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this…aching in my chest?*  Hiei had finally lost the battle against himself…he knew now he had to confront what he was feeling, thinking that by doing so he would then be able to bury it away and turn his back on it, as he had done with everything else in his heart.

He turned his thoughts inward, focusing on the stirrings within his heart.  In the same methodical way he handled nearly everything, he tried to sort through his emotions, pulling them apart and naming each individual part in an attempt to untangle the mess he was in.  *It's all that damn kitsune's fault, that's for certain.*  He realized that the feelings all centered around his fox…that elegant and graceful figure…*No, dammit, focus!*  Looking further, Hiei named his emotions to himself: there was trust, not only on the battlefield, but, more importantly, when he was at rest.  There was respect for his abilities and his honesty (such an unusual trait in a youko), but some contempt that he associated so freely with these ningen, who were so far beneath him.  There was…something he did not want to name, a warmth in his heart whenever he was in his fox's company.  It was similar to what he felt for his sister, but deeper, and more bittersweet.  That, coupled with the ache he felt whenever he saw his fox in danger led him to one inescapable conclusion.

_  
I think I love you! (I think I love you)  
  
_

He truly cared for Kurama.  He loved him.  *K'so.*  As many times as he went over it in his head, trying to find some other answer, the facts didn't change.  He'd done the unthinkable and fallen for his fox's charm and grace.  *No!  I can't …this can't be happening.*  But he could no more prevent stop these feelings than he could stop the sea from crashing upon the shore.  Instead, the silver youko drew his emotions like the moon drew the tide.  Still, even if his emotions weren't his own, his actions and his words were still well under his own control.  He resolved not to say anything, not to let his actions betray any hit of his emotions.  After all, his kitsune deserved far better than anything the Forbidden Child of the Koorime could offer.  And anyway, this was Youko Kurama we were talking about, he'd probably heard countless youkai say the same words.  And said the same thing to even more in his efforts at seduction.  Even if he believed those words, which Hiei was certain he wouldn't, the fox couldn't love someone like _him_.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
I think I love you  
So what am I so afraid of?_

After Kurama had cried himself out on his pillow, he still sat in the same place, feeling drained of emotion, like part of his heart had spilled out along with his tears.  He sat, not really thinking about much of anything, in that emotional quiet that always comes after a good, cathartic cry.  But slowly, he felt something creeping in and replacing the pleasant numbness he had been floating in.  Fear.  The faint icy feel of that emotion licked at the edges of his thoughts.  *Will I spend the rest of my life like this?  Knowing that no matter how close I get to him that I'll never be inside his heart?  Crying myself to sleep each night?*

_  
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of  
A love there is no cure for_

*Oh, Inari, what have I gotten myself into?*  He was feeling trapped by his emotions, stuck in such a bittersweet quandary.  He felt helpless, unable to stop loving Hiei, but not wanting to allow his heart to continue feeling so brutalized.  He couldn't blame Hiei, as much as some part of him wanted to.  No, he was being betrayed by himself, by the same heart that had given him a new meaning of life with Shiori.

Kurama realized that he wasn't going to get any more sleep, at least until he had gotten himself more relaxed.  He felt he couldn't just sit around his bedroom any more; he was seized by a restlessness, he needed to be _doing_ something.  He rose, quickly dressed, pulled a brush through his hair, and headed downstairs to the front door, all with the silent stealth he had learned over the years.  With just a little luck, he could work off this anxiety and be back before Shiori even realized he'd left.  As he stepped out, he realized that the temperature was cooler than he'd thought, and briefly considered heading back inside for a jacket.  *No, it's not that cold.  Besides, if I walk quickly, I'll keep myself warm.*  With that decision made, he turned his step in the direction of the nearby park, hoping that being surrounded by all that greenery would help calm his soul.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
I think I love you  
Isn't that what life is made of?_

Once he finally admitted his feelings to himself, Hiei came to the conclusion that this must be what kept the fox living in the Ningenkai.  This feeling, or some version of it, must be what he felt, and it must be why he was so kind to the woman he lived with.  Hiei knew now that he wouldn't want to see his fox hurt or saddened; Kurama must have some of the same feelings towards his human mother.  Hiei remembered that Kurama had told him once that he had been given a new life in more ways than one.  Hiei hadn't really understood what he had been talking about, and Kurama just smiled and hadn't said any more on the subject.  It was only now that Hiei began to understand.  Humans took love for granted, and some gave it so freely…this was so very different than the Makai.  But he could see how life could begin to center around the one you loved…even as he realized that his feelings couldn't be returned, he still couldn't help but see things in relation to Kurama.  Looking around him, he realized that one of the reasons he was comfortable in this park was because he knew that Kurama enjoyed being there.

_  
Though it worries me to say  
I've never felt this way_

Even with all of these revelations running through his mind, Hiei still couldn't be truly content with his feelings.  The experience was too new to him; he didn't know quite how to react.  So there he sat, mind racing, high in the branches of an ancient sakura tree, masking his youki more out of habit than any concern of being approached by something dangerous.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
I don't know what I'm up against  
  
_

As Kurama jogged towards the park, his mind continued to worry at the problem of what to do about Hiei.  The biggest problem now, as Kurama saw it, was his lack of knowledge.  He knew how he felt, but he couldn't tell how his jaganshi felt.  He suspected that his feelings were not returned; that Hiei no longer had the ability to feel such things.  Kurama only knew the barest outlines of Hiei's past.  He knew about his abandonment, about his twin sister, and he knew about the final result: a ruthless thief and assassin.  But beyond that, he knew so very little; it was impossible to rationally guess what Hiei may or may not think without knowing more about him.  Kurama had never really concerned himself too much with Hiei's past, as he knew it to be a painful topic for his friend to discuss; besides, he knew Hiei now, and he'd always thought that would be enough.  But it wasn't any more, he wanted to know everything about his friend; he wanted to at least see what kind of challenges were ahead for him, should he ever want to act on his feelings.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_I don't know what it's all about_

Having come to his inevitable conclusion, Hiei sat wondering what to do about this revelation.  How did this change anything?  Did it change anything?  Well, yes, something had changed…either in the world or in his perception of it.  It was like the world had tilted subtly, and Hiei was still trying to regain his sense of balance.  He didn't know how to be "in love."  He'd always ignored such topics of conversation as useless, thinking they would never have any bearing on his life.  He'd had a lot more difficulty than he would have admitted in adjusting to the concept of "friends," and this was so much more…more intense, more difficult, more bittersweet.

_  
I've go so much to think about_

Hiei had thought that merely finding the source of his feelings and putting a name to them would be enough, but he now realized that his thoughts were just as tangled as before.  Even knowing that he loved his fox, he still couldn't come to a reasonable conclusion of what to do about it.  He still had so much to ponder, and he remained sitting in the sakura tree as the early pre-dawn light started to show on the eastern horizon.

With all of this running through his mind, Hiei was effectively off in his own world, and nearly oblivious to his surroundings.  Thus, he didn't notice the approach of a very familiar ki until it was almost beneath his resting spot.  As soon as he did notice, however, his thoughts were sent down a completely different track.  *What's he doing here?  He's usually sleeping at this hour.  Has he noticed me?*  Looking down, Hiei could make out his friend's red hair and light-colored clothing.  Watching him, Hiei silently debated whether to stay or to flee.  He, who had never run from anything, wanted little more than to get as far away as possible…but if Kurama hadn't noticed him yet, that would surely get his attention.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kurama had slowed to a walk as he reached the park, and made his way slowly down one of the winding paths that led toward a wooded area he was fond of.  He made a conscious effort to slow his breathing and heart rate, trying to calm himself.  Usually this was no task for him, simply being around the familiar ki of all this greenery would be enough.  But, well, things had obviously been difficult of late.  Even as he forced his body to relax even a bit, his mind still reeled from his earlier nightmare and subsequent confession.  He tried to calm his thoughts, and simply allowed his feet to pick their own path, not really paying attention to where he was going.  Thus it was with some surprise that Kurama looked around to realize that he was under the same tree he had dreamed about that night.  Kurama sat down at the base of the tree, pulling one knee up to his chest and draping his arms around his up-drawn leg.  He then leaned back against the trunk of the tree with his eyes closed, attempting to clear his mind so that he could relax.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Believe me  
You really don't have to worry_

Hiei watched the redhead's actions from his perch in the branches.  The face tilted up towards him seemed calm at first glance, but Hiei knew his friend too well.  He could see the worry and anxiety in the posture of his body, and in the nearly-imperceptible lines on his forehead.  He wanted little more than to go down and take that expression away.  His friend should never have to be so concerned.  He had half resigned himself to this action when a soft whisper drifted up to him.  "Oh, Hiei…"  *Nani?!  Why is he so sad over me?  Has he figured it out?  He's too kind-hearted…is he trying to find a way to tell me to leave him be?*

_  
I only want to make you happy  
And if you say  
Hey, go away, I will_

This was the only thing that Hiei could think of that would make his fox say his name in such a way.  It never occurred to him what was really running through the redhead's mind.  *If I cause him such pain, he should tell me to leave.*  That thought wrenched something within the jaganshi's chest.  The idea of never seeing his fox again would have destroyed something vital within him, but he would rather that than see the one he loved so sad.  He again considered leaving his perch, this time with a thought of never returning…but still he watched.  At the very least, he wanted to burn the image of his beloved within his mind, so that he may have some comfort in the cold nights.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

No matter how hard Kurama tried to empty his mind of thoughts, he kept seeing the one he so loved behind his closed eyelids.  And that image seemed to be getting ever farther from him, a rift opening between them that Kurama had no idea how to bridge.  He allowed a small sigh to escape his lips…"Oh, Hiei..."  He was feeling haunted by the image in his mind: he couldn't stand seeing that fissure growing between him and his love.  He opened his eyes, thinking to let his mind wander over the patterns created by the leaves and branches blowing above him.  But, as his eyes opened, he was caught by an intense ruby gaze, making his breath catch in his throat.  Kurama kept staring upwards, not blinking, barely breathing.  *Have I fallen asleep?  Am I dreaming?  I must be, he's never so close when I'm awake.*  Kurama kept meeting those eyes, as if by an act of will he could turn this from dream to reality.  A whisper escaped his lips, an echo of what had just been said, "Oh, Hiei."  But this time, the words were colored with a subtle longing.  *If this is a dream, then it doesn't matter what I do.  I've never felt more awake, but he's never looked at me like that outside of my dreams.*  Indeed, the stare of the youkai was colored by a myriad of emotions; curiosity, fear, desire, and sadness all mingled in Hiei's eyes.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When Kurama had opened his eyes and caught him staring, Hiei had expected any number of reactions.  What he hadn't expected was his fox meeting his gaze with thoughts playing so clearly behind his eyes.  He hadn't expected to be drawn into those emerald wells, unable or unwilling to look away.  And to hear the emotions tinting that voice, it was nothing he had ever dared even dream of.  Looking down, he realized, was a bit like looking into a mirror…for he saw in those eyes the same emotions that had held his heart captive for so long now.

_  
But I think better still  
I'd better stay around and love you_

He never wanted to be the cause of any pain for his fox, it was true, but if he was really seeing what he thought he was, leaving would be the most hurtful thing he could do.  He tried to reign in his thoughts and his heart.  He feared that his own desires were coloring what he was seeing, that he was reading too much into what may have been only a startled stare.  But his heart was having none of it.  He had gone too long without hope, so that when he felt it surge within him he was overpowered.  He couldn't leave.  He needed his fox too much.

_  
Do you think I have a case?_

But…could he stay if he knew that he wasn't wanted?  Even as hope washed over him, small doubts still whispered in the back of his mind.

_  
Let me ask you to your face  
Do you think you love me?_

He was used to being straightforward in his words.  This is not to say he couldn't or didn't lie, but when dealing with his friends he simply said what he really thought.  So it should not have been surprising that he wanted to simply ask what his fox thought of him.  But still…to hear words of rejection falling from those perfect lips would have shattered him.  So when he spoke, it wasn't the question he truly wanted answered that escaped his lips.

"Why are you looking at me like that, fox?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kurama heard those words, and heard the question behind them as well.  For he knew Hiei too well not to pick up on his friend's train of thought.  Kurama blinked slowly, still wondering if this wasn't just another torturous dream.  *Well, if it is a dream, then I can say what I want.  I can tell him the truth.  It doesn't matter.*

"Ai shiteru, Hiei.  I know I'm probably just dreaming this, but that much is true.  And that is the answer to your question."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hiei heard those words, and saw the truth in his beloved's eyes.  His doubts still whispered, but he ignored them.  *He **loves** me?  He loves **me**?* 

"You shouldn't have said that, fox.  It's not something that can be unsaid."

"Yes, but I won't lie to you, Hiei."

Hiei jumped down, landing lightly before his friend.  "Words do not come to me as they do to you, fox."

And with that, Hiei closed the gap between them, catching Kurama's lips in a kiss.  And in that kiss he poured all of the things he felt, all of the things he couldn't find words to express.

Kurama melted into the kiss, submersing himself in the sweet feeling of it, thinking of nothing past that very moment.  When they broke apart, he shivered, both in loss of that sweet contact as well as in reaction to the cool air.

Hiei looked at him critically.  "Hn.  Fool.  You don't have fur anymore."  He then sat beside Kurama; wrapping his arms around him and raising his youki to generate some heat.

Kurama closed his eyes in bliss.  He then murmured a question to his beloved.

"Am I dreaming, Hiei?"

"Hn.  You should be able to answer that for yourself."

"If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up."

"Stupid fox.  This is real."  For emphasis, Hiei tightened his embrace.

As the sun rose over the horizon, it illuminated two figures curled up together, asleep beneath the spreading branches of a sakura tree, away from the beaten paths and the prying eyes of passerby.

_~*Owari*~_


End file.
